This past weekend I traveled for a mini-reunion with some
guys from undergrad- THE Ohio State University. Back in college, we attended an
all-male Bible study together. In some ways it felt like a Tyler Perry movie.
Here we were, years removed from daily interaction as college kids. Some now
married, some on hard times, others making major moves but all with our own
story of evolution: we’re men now. I’m not sure that any one of us today have
the same exact career path, practice of faith or general philosophy that we did
then. I couldn't help but think, “How bad would it suck if any woman married us
years ago for the men we were then?”
It’s been said that men never grow up. I absolutely plead to
differ. I shared a cabin this weekend with seven other gentlemen. Yes, there
were divorces in that cabin. Yes, there were mistakes that young men from all
demographics make. Even so, in that cabin there were also husbands, fathers,
relatively high earners and genuinely solid MEN. I admire many of the men I was
with this past weekend. Hell, I would tell my son to emulate some of those
guys. It took some time though. It took some mistakes. It took a few switched
majors, career changes and failed start-up businesses. Yes, we’re still dreaming
of the next business start-up and big venture but the difference now is that we
at least know this is the business, cause or path that we were truly born for-
before we were simply experimenting and finding ourselves.
I know that all eight of us guys were desirable in our early
twenties- attractive, curious, ambitious and spiritually centered. We were sure
of ourselves and unusually spiritual; that- more than anything else- probably
attracted our early twenty-something female counterparts at that time. Yet,
scanning the cabin this weekend, we were not those same men. More refined? Yes.
More successful? Yes. More stable? Double yes. But we were not the same
religious fanatics, for one. There were several who’d not seen a church in
years and even an admitted agnostic in the room. We don’t necessarily have the
same passions and predictable interests. The point in all this is that perhaps
in this age of advanced degrees and de facto delayed adulthood, men
particularly aren't settled in who they are as men until about 30 or so. It
follows that those women marrying men before that time put themselves at
elevated risk of “growing apart” with the man they marry.
The data corroborates this. Stats on divorcees from 2011
indicate that men who married between the ages of 20-24 were more than three
times as likely to divorce as men 30-34 (see www.divorcerate.org). I’m sure the 20-29 year
old divorcees were much like me and my friends: great guys who just weren’t
great for marriage yet. We still needed to prove ourselves, find ourselves, discover
our skillset and to build our lives based on those things. Let me make it
personal. I know what I do well as a professional and I know what works for me
as a lover. I know that now after years of struggle, failure and hurting some
women (never intentionally).